My crutch = duty

I read this last night in John Pipers book When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy, its an excerpt from a letter from C.S. Lewis to "Joan" a child who wrote him on July 18, 1957.

"Provided the thing is in itself right, 

the more one likes it and the less one has to 

"try to be good," 

the better. 

A perfect man would never act from sense of duty; 

he'd always want the right thing more than the wrong one. 

Duty is only a substitute for love (of God and of other people), 

like a crutch, 

which is a substitute for a leg. 

Most of us need the crutch at times; 

but of course it's idiotic to use the crutch when our own legs (our own loves, tastes, habits, etc.) 

can do the journey on their own."

Wrecked. 

That's how I feel after reading and re-reading this quote.

Absolutely wrecked.

I have 'loved' in a really warped and disgusting way... I thought/still think(?) that it is best to "try to be good" and disregard feelings of like or dislike because they were fickle, fleeting and unreliable... 

Now I'm 23, married, and find that I don't know what love is.  I only know how to act our of a "sense of duty". I only know how to use my crutch.

I'm a big broken mess. Jesus please be near.