DWELL

I pray that out of his glorious riches

he may strengthen you with power

through his Spirit in your inner being,

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts

through faith.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,

may have power, together with all

the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and 

long and high and deep is the love of Christ,

and to know this love that surpasses knowledge

--that you may be filled to the measure

of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:16-19

Dwell- verb

1. to live or stay as a permanent resident; reside.

2. to live or continue in a given condition or state.

3. to linger over

This verse has been hanging on my wall since we got back for Asia. I know I haven't talked a lot about our experience there yet but that's probably a good thing, because I'm still trying to shuffle through what happened... what we saw, who we met, what we learned.

I'm still wrestling through how two people could have the same experience but experience it differently. 

Anyway. I was changed, I am different from before... and a lot of that is because I was stripped.

In my life there have been many, MANY times I have had to walk by faith... you know, "trust". But two months ago, on the other side of the Earth, I found myself in a really dark place,  and I think for the first time since I started following Jesus I realized how little faith I have. I realized how little I understand about this word dwell.

I found myself empty, not full.

I found myself floundering, not rooted.

I found myself unworthy, not understanding love.

I found myself really desperate... realizing that I did not have a functioning understanding of the gospel (true love).

You see, I have a major issue, I try really really hard to be PERFECT... perhaps an even bigger issue i have, is that I'm pretty good at being "good"...

I like how it feels 

+ 

I like how it makes me look 

+

I like being right

= 

I work really hard at it.

I've know I've had an issue with being religious, verging on legalistic ... and that never really (still don't) understood grace.  ("i'm pretty good... grace for what?"... wow right, I know! don't judge)

So I'm going back to the basics... (never should have left) I needed a good swift kick in the rear, I needed to look at my imperfections, to feel a lot of feelings I had been avoiding in an attempt at being "good", and I needed to have some space, remove myself from all my good deeds, I took a break from my checklist of:
prayer nights
bible studies
quiet times
and I just spent so time dwelling. and I'm not going to stop...
I've had much more time to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.